


Calm Your Troubled Soul

by polverine



Series: Sirivember [3]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, Sirivember | Sirius Black November 2020
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-16
Updated: 2020-11-21
Packaged: 2021-03-10 07:22:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27579770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/polverine/pseuds/polverine
Summary: Sirivember Week Three - Relationships
Relationships: Sirius Black & James Potter, Sirius Black & Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin
Series: Sirivember [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1997017
Comments: 10
Kudos: 10





	1. Lily

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius and Lily understand each other in a way that the others don't.

Sirius had spotted Lily sitting on a windowsill on the third floor. There was a far off expression on her face, a letter clutched in her hands. “Alright, Evans?” He asked. Lily jumped and looked down at him. She didn’t look _upset_ as such, just distracted. Sirius hoisted himself up to sit opposite her. “What’s up?”

“I’m just watching them practice.” She said, nodding out of the window. Sirius followed her gaze to the pitch, where James, Marlene, and the rest of the team were practicing.

“Ah, so you’ve written down the rules to remind yourself.” He teased. Lily kicked him and he braced himself against the wall so she couldn’t push him off.

“I get why Marlene says she hates you.” Lily muttered, rolling her eyes.

“Well, when Marlene says she hates me, she’s really saying ‘I love you’, so love you too Lils.” Sirius shrugged, and was relieved to see that Lily grinned.

“Shut up.” She said, trying to keep a straight face and failing miserably. They watched the practice in silence for a while. He liked being with Lily. It was similar to the times he went to sit in McGonagall’s office when everything got a little bit too much. Lily let him sit quietly with his thoughts. James, and Marlene in particular, always wanted to know what was wrong, they wanted to fix it — but he could never really put it into words to tell them. Lily just let him sit.

“So, if it’s not Quidditch rules, what is it?” He eventually asked, nodding at the paper in her hands.

“I wrote to Petunia, asking if I could bring James to the wedding…” Her cheeks turned scarlet and he grinned. He had a feeling he knew what they had planned, why else would she have turned to red. They wanted a night away together where they couldn’t be interrupted. “Shut up.” She said again, though he hadn’t said anything. “He’s my boyfriend, I want to bring him to my sister’s wedding, I want to introduce him to my family.”

“Whatever you say, Lils.” He smirked, and she kicked him again. “She said no?” He asked.

“No, she didn’t write back at all. This is from Mum. I’m allowed to bring James, but clearly Petunia doesn’t want me to. She doesn’t even want _me_ there.”

“I’m sorry.” Sirius said quietly.

“We used to be so close, and then I got that stupid letter about this place and she _hates_ me for it. She thinks I’m a freak.” Lily’s eyes were watery and he shifted, it was almost as bad as when Marlene cried. He never knew what to do.

“You’re not a freak.” Sirius said firmly. “You’re incredible.”

“Shut up.” She smiled again.

“I know how you feel, I promise I do.” Sirius said, reaching over and taking hold of her free hand. Lily seemed to consider him for a moment.

“Yes, I suppose you do.” She murmured. “Do you miss him?”

“So much.” Sirius swallowed. “And I hate admitting that because he believes _terrible_ things. His great ambition is to be a Death Eater — might already fucking be one by now. But sometimes I miss him _so much_.” He looked up at her guiltily. He shouldn’t miss Regulus at all, and he certainly shouldn’t be admitting it to Lily when he’d happily see her dead. “I’m sorry.” Lily squeezed his hand.

“You don’t need to be sorry.” She murmured. “I’ve tried talking to Marlene about it, but she doesn’t get it, not really.”

“Yeah, I know that feeling.” Sirius laughed. He was desperately, completely in love with Marlene McKinnon, but there were parts of him that, as much as she tried, she never seemed to fully understand. “I get jealous watching her with Nicole… Even with Jeremy and she only ever seems to argue with Jeremy.”

“Me too.” Lily admitted.

“Maybe you and Petunia will patch things up one day.” He said hopefully, though Petunia didn’t deserve Lily as a sister.

“I’d say the same about you and Regulus… but you know…” Lily sighed. Sirius nodded, he was sure Regulus was too far gone. He doubted there was anything left of the Reggie from when they were little kids, their parents had poisoned him. He had Bellatrix in his ear now. “Thanks for this.”

“Anytime, Evans.” Sirius said, turning his attention back to the pitch.


	2. James

Sirius couldn’t face the common room just yet. He’d wandered aimlessly around the school, careful to avoid the teachers — McGonagall in particular. She would know that something was wrong. He didn’t blame her, his mother had demanded him home for the Easter Holidays. McGonagall’d had no choice. He didn’t _blame_ her, but for the first time in his life, he didn’t want to go to her office to sit with his thoughts.

“Padfoot!” James called as he walked along the seventh floor corridor. Sirius looked up and forced a smile, but he wasn’t sure that it was very convincing. “Where’ve you been?”

“Just walking.” Sirius shrugged. “How were your holidays?”

“They were good.” James said. “You missed the full moon. Didn’t want to stray too far from the Shrieking Shack mind. It’s harder when you’re not there.” Sirius got it, he wasn’t sure he’d want to venture out with Remus if James wasn’t there either, what good would Peter be if something went wrong?

“I would have rather been here.” Sirius murmured, staring at a spot about two inches above Jame’s left shoulder. He didn’t want to look at him, James would see that there was something wrong.

“Sirius what—”

“I’m fine.” He said, far too quickly, his voice was even less convincing than his smile had been. “I just…I really hate them. Every last fucking one of them.”

“I know you do.” James said, but Sirius shook his head. He didn’t get it. He would never get it. None of them would.

“You don’t. Your family are wonderful. All of your families are wonderful. None of them would ever—” Sirius broke off quickly and ran a hand over his face. “They’re evil. Every last fucking one of them.” He said again, trying to force his mind away from what had happened with enormous difficulty.

“What about your uncle?” James asked desperately. Sirius was scaring him, panicking him, he knew it. He was too much like Marlene in that regard — never really knowing how to handle this part of Sirius. It was out of love, they wanted to fix everything for him, but somethings couldn’t be fixed. So Sirius did what he could to shield them.

“Okay yeah, sure Uncle Alphard is great. So is Andromeda, though she was so great they disowned her. But the rest of them…My parents, what does it say about me if I came from them?” He whispered, that was an entirely other fear to accompany the fear of his family — the fear of becoming them. Sirius swallowed the lump in his throat, his eyes burning.

“Black sheepdog?” James grinned seemingly before he could stop himself, Sirius let out a bark of a laugh. He loved James so fucking much. “Come back to the common room. We’ve missed you…Marley’s missed you.” He added, rolling his eyes. Sirius shook his head and sat down against the wall.

“I’m going to wait until it quietens down, I don’t really feel like being around anyone right now.” Sirius sighed. James sat down beside him.

“What happened, Padfoot?” He asked, even as Sirius was shaking his head. He wanted so badly to tell him.

“It doesn’t mat—”

“Sirius, don’t. You’re my best friend, whatever happened, whatever’s wrong, you don’t have to tell me but don’t say it doesn’t matter.” James murmured. Sirius took a deep breath, he could tell him. He could tell James.

“Bellatrix tortured me.” Sirius said quietly, staring fixedly at the opposite wall.

“ _What_?” He hissed.

“Turns out the Cruciatus curse hurts, quite a bit actually.” Sirius said, his voice straining for a pleasantness that he couldn’t quite reach. He needed to make this a little lighter, he needed to make James believe that he was okay. James reached out to touch Sirius’s shoulder but Sirius shrugged him away, he didn’t need pity, he didn’t need comfort. Though as soon as James withdrew his hand he instantly regretted it. He _did_ need comfort.

“You have to tell someone, she’ll spend the rest of her life in Azkaban…” James said but Sirius shook his head again.

“Maybe, but she used my wand, so maybe I’ll be the one they send to Azkaban.” Sirius mumbled. “I’m not risking it, I don’t think I could survive that place.” He didn’t know how he’d be able to spend that much time locked up in a tiny cell, Dementors making him relive every horror he’d ever experienced. “Look, I’m alright.” He said firmly, he didn’t think it was true, but he wanted James to believe it more than anything.

“No you’re not.” James said quickly. Sirius just shrugged.


	3. Remus

Sirius stirred his fork moodily around his stew. He had debated stunning Remus and making a break for the school. He was sure that he could do Snivellus a fair bit of damage before Dumbledore intervened.

“Something wrong with it?” Remus asked, nodding at the bowl.

“What? No. It’s fine.” Sirius said, knowing that ‘fine’ made him sound slightly ungrateful.

“I know what you’re thinking.” Remus said gently, getting up and pouring them each out a drink. Sirius doubted that very much. If he did he’d have probably disarmed him by now. “I’m going to reason with Severus—” Sirius wondered what sort of reality Remus was living in where there was a Snivellus who listened to reason. “—I’ll make sure he keeps giving Harry his Occlumency lessons. Harry will be _fine_.”

Sirius speared a piece of beef with his fork before pushing his bowl away. He wasn’t hungry. “It’s not just that.” He finally muttered. “Of all the moments he could have seen, it was _that one._ ”

“I know.” Remus said sympathetically.

“All the good Prongs did… And Harry saw _that_.” Sirius felt sick; Harry had been walking round thinking that his father was some sort of monster. And Lily…

_She hated him!_ That had been what he’d said. Harry had believed that Lily had _hated_ James. He hadn’t been able to understand why she would have married him. Hundreds of soft moments, all those times she had come to his defence, every time she had fought with everything she had to protect him. And Harry had seen _that._

It wasn’t fair.

Sirius would happily bottle up every memory he had of Lily and James. Maybe that was what he should give him for his birthday… Well, maybe not every memory — Harry probably didn’t need to see Sirius walking in on them tearing each others clothes off in the kitchen…

“It’s not fair.” Sirius said quietly.

“I know.” Remus said again.

“If he could have seen their wedding… It was sickening how in love they were.” Sirius sighed, draining his glass.

“Now you know how we all felt watching you and Marlene.” Remus grinned, and Sirius shot him a glare. They’d never been that soppy… well not in public… well not very often…

“Shut up.” He muttered, trying not to smile.

“You’re right though, and I think Harry would enjoy watching you punch Vernon in the face.” Remus said, tapping his chin, in a mockingly thoughtful way. Sirius really did smile this time.

“He’d love that.” Sirius was definitely going to bottle that memory for him.


End file.
